


In my right hand there's the great unkown

by chiapslock



Series: The Draw [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I want to be sure you get that there are people talking about suicide, I'm Sorry, M/M, Post S2, mention of almost attempted suicide, talking about attempted suicide, this is basically how much can I make Shiro suffer before I give him one joy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 03:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10296500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiapslock/pseuds/chiapslock
Summary: [SPOILERS FOR VOLTRON SEASON 2]After the fight against Zarkon Shiro wakes up but soon realizes that he's not home. He's not even in his universe. He's stuck jumping from alternative universe to alternative universe, watching how tiny decisions change everything about their lives.It's not always for the better.Now he has to find a way to go back home, even if he doesn't understand why this is happening to him in the first place.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I started after a week after the end of the season 2 finale, but that I took my time writing because it's heavy and I wanted to give it the attention it deserves.  
> It's not an happy fic most of the time, but I promise it has a happy ending at the end, I just can't do anything else with my babies :')

1.

 

He doesn’t realize something is wrong for a second, he wakes up and he’s not in Black anymore, but that could be normal, all things considered, only he’s not in a bed or in the healing pod. He’s just in the middle of the room, standing.

He’s still reeling from the fight, adrenaline, fear, determination all cursing through his body, his heart is beating at an alarming speed and he can’t remember if they had won. Oh God had they won? Is everyone alright?  
He remembers the fight, remembers taking the bayard from Zarkon, remembers the pain when the other had taken the head of Voltron and poured all of his power on him. Maybe that’s the reason why he can’t remember? Why he feels so strange?

In the end the only thing that Shiro can do is find the others and try to patch up what exactly has happened, he’s no stranger to amnesia and maybe he should be more worried, but if he’s here they have probably won.

He moves then, toward the door, and it’s at this time that it opens and Keith comes through. Shiro smiles immediately, Keith’s presence probably means that everything went well.

Keith looks at him and _stops_.

“Shiro?” he asks, and his voice is small, smaller than Shiro has ever heard him speak, like he can’t actually believe what it’s happening.

This is the moment Shiro starts to panic “Yeah?” he tries, because he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. Keith is pale, and he seems as likely to run out of the room than coming inside “Is everything alright?”

The other doesn’t answer, and there’s something in his eyes, something like sadness, that makes him want to move, hug him, try to ease the worry and the pain. “You’re scaring me, Keith” he tries, because he really doesn’t know what’s going on.

Keith looks at him then, bewildered, like Shiro has said something incredible “I’m scaring you?” he scoffs, and now he can finally see some of the old Keith, in the angry slope of his mouth, in his tense shoulders “You died”

Shiro stops then, because… oh. Okay.

He guesses this explains the memory problem? At the same time Shiro doesn’t feel dead. He’s not exactly sure how someone feels when they are dead (at least really dead and not just dead inside) but… he thinks it probably feels less like being alive.

So he does the only thing he can think of and tries to touch Lance’s chair. If he’s a ghost he shouldn’t be able to, right? Or space-ghosts work differently than normal ghosts?

He touches the chair without problems and then, just to be sure, he tries to open up one of the menus on the main console. Everything works.

Keith has been looking at him, without stopping him, following his every movement with attention. Is he thinking the same thing Shiro is?

“I don’t feel dead” he says, in the end, because he doesn’t know what else he _can_ say.

Keith doesn’t move, doesn’t even try, and then he seems to sag, like the world weighs too much and he can’t carry it anymore.

“I… I saw your body, Shiro. I don’t know what to do, why you keep haunting me” he whispers, like he isn’t even talking to him “you were… I don’t even know what they did to you. I arrived too late”

Shiro doesn’t really understand, nothing about this rings any bell, but again, maybe this is another case of amnesia. He just wants to be there for Keith, help him in some way.

So he moves, slowly, like he’s approaching a feral animal, and every step he takes Keith gets more stiff. He should stop, Keith is close to a full-blown panic attack, but he can’t.

Shiro has never been strong enough when it comes to watching Keith suffer. So he touches his shoulder, and before he can do anything else Keith comes forward and hugs him.

It reminds him of the hug they had before their separate mission or the one they had when he left for Kerberos. It gives him strength and sadness at the same time.

“Shiro” Keith mumbles, and he doesn’t know what else to do, how he can help him. Maybe he’s really dead, maybe this is some kind of space bullshit. He simply doesn’t know.

“Keith… I don’t remember anything. After our fight with Zarkon…” he starts, because maybe if he gets the whole picture he could remember something.

Keith, however, startles and then takes a step back, away from his embrace “Zarkon?” Keith asks him, watching him with stupor.

Shiro wonders what’s wrong _now_. Is Zarkon dead too?

“What final battle? Who’s Zarkon? We… We’re fighting against Lotor…” Keith says, looking at him strangely.

Lotor? He remembers the whispers, in his time in the colosseum, about Prince Lotor, but they had always talked about him like the spoiled prince that had never had the blood-thirst of his father. Their voice were scared when they talked about him, but always more scared of his mind and his deviousness than his combat prowess.

Still…

“What you mean Lotor? What about Zarkon? Did he die after the fight? Did we win?” he asks again, because he needs to know.

Keith just keeps looking at him, however, without giving him any answers. God was it so bad?

“We?” the other finally asks, and now he seems suspicious again. Shiro is getting whiplash from this. “Shiro, you never made it out of the arena” Keith says, looking at him with anger and regret and guilt.

Before he can asks what does he mean the door behind them opens and Allura comes in. When she looks at him there’s no familiarity on her face, just anger and mistrust.

“Who are you? Keith why didn’t you activate the alarm?” she asks, like Shiro is a threat, like he’s the enemy.

“Wait you can see him too?” Keith asks, looking at her, but Shiro can’t really understand what they’re saying.

There’s something pulling him away, it feels like falling, but his body isn’t moving. He sees Keith and Allura one second, but the next they’re already gone.

And Shiro falls.

 

2.

 

He wakes up, even if he’s not sure this is the exact word, and he’s in a different place. He _knows_ where it is, but he’s surprised and confused even more for it.

He’s in the blade of Marmora’s base, he recognize the room, but he’s alone and he can’t think of a reason for him to be there.

There’s something he’s forgetting, he knows, something that makes him uncomfortable, some kind of revelation behind the surface pushing to come out, but he can’t remember what it is. He remember the fight, quite clearly, but nothing more.

Did the plan succeed? Is this why they are in the Blades’ base?

Shiro isn’t looking at the door, so he doesn’t really notice anyone entering. A mistake, since two seconds later he has something pushed against his back, where his kidney is. If the blade, because it is a blade, where to push a little further… Shiro would be dead for sure.

“What are you doing still here?” his attacker asks, and Shiro acts instinctively more than anything else, months and months in the arena coming back to him like it was just yesterday, like he never left. He pushes back just a little, destabilize his opponent and pushing his elbow in the other’s face.

Shiro takes the other by surprise, which is the only reason why this works, and he activates his arm immediately, rotating and pushing it forward against his assailant. The other stops his arm with the blade, and gets ready to retort when Shiro realizes _who_ he’s fighting.

“Keith?” he asks, surprised, before the other punches him in the face. _Ow_.

“The paladin just left,” Keith says, looking at him with distrust (this feels familiar, but he can’t think why that is) “returned to the _castle_ to decide a plan, so why don’t you tell me who you are?”

“I…” he starts, but then he actually _looks_ at Keith, and yes his friend is wearing the suit that he had on when he undergo the trial, but there’s more. Keith’s skin is a little darker, a little more purple, and his eyes are not black, but a little lighter, more yellow than they were before. His blade is in the awakened form, but he uses it with a familiarity his Keith still doesn’t have. Wait… _his Keith?_

He think he remembers Allura, looking at him like he doesn’t know him and now this… this strange Keith…

“Where am I?” he whispers, more to himself than to the other, because he doesn’t think that Keith can actually answer.

The other hesitates for only a second before pointing his sword back at him “You won’t fool me, imposter,” he says, venom in his voice. He even _sounds_ more Galra. He had told Keith that his heritage didn’t matter to him and he had _meant_ it, but he admits that this is disconcerting “I don’t know how you came here, but you better tell me quickly, no one has ever left our base alive without our consent”

“Since… since when have you been a member of the Blade of Marmoras?” he asks, because he has to be sure.

Keith doesn’t answer him, just pushes the blade a little more toward him, menacing. There are no reasons for him to answer Shiro’s question, not when he thinks that he’s a threat. He sees nothing of his friend in him, not really, and it’s a loss that hurts.

“Answer me first” the other threatens him, and Shiro looks at him. Well, time to try something else.

“Contact your boss, ask him if I’m with him” he says, because he has to be sure, completely sure. God. He thinks about Slav, his constant annoying talks of alternative universes, where just a minusculus thing could have a devastating effect.

Keith isn’t going to listen to him, he knows, so Shiro tries again “I told…” who would have come here with him if Keith hadn’t been a possibility? Who pilots Red? “I hid, I wanted to understand if we could really trust you guys.”

Keith still doesn’t look convinced, but at the same time he nods and take something from his pocket. Some kind of communicator?

Eventually somebody answers and Keith starts talking in Galran, Shiro doesn’t understand much, never knew more than _fight_ and _kill_ and _move_ , but it doesn’t look good. The other eyes get more focused, more angry.

There is another Shiro, then. No, that’s the original Shiro of this universe, he’s the anomaly, the odd one out.

Keith closes the communicator and he’s ready to kill him, probably, but Shiro doesn’t care.

“I’m in another universe” he murmurs, because he can’t _breath_. He recognize the beginning of a panic attack, but he doesn’t know how to stop himself. He remembers now the other Keith, Allura, this is not the first time, but he doesn’t know why it’s happening.

“Wait? Another universe?” Keith asks, and Shiro looks at him, at his friend’s face but finds no comfort in it. He wonders if this Keith has any similar abit to his, this Keith he had never met before today. At least the one before knew him, probably was with him at the Garrison, but this one is a mystery.

Shiro is alone.

“Are you…” This _stranger_ starts, probably confused by Shiro’s blank stare. He’s probably going to asks him if he’s alright and Shiro would laugh if he could breath. Alas he keeps gasping for air.

It takes a second for the sensation of falling to come again, he recognize it this time and he doesn’t know if he hopes he’s forgetting again or if he wants to remember this time.

Before he can figure it out he’s already gone.

 

3.

 

He opens his eyes and he remembers. He remembers the two universes he has already been to (or at least he thinks they are alternative universe, because maybe Shiro is just going crazy, or he’s in some kind of coma) and for a second he thinks he’s going to panic again.

He tries to stop, he really does. He generally has a good head, can stay calm in a crisis, but his entire life is a crisis. He’s tired, he fought Zarkon and now he’s wandering, without control, without knowing if his friends are alright. The Galra really take everything from him.

It’s then that he realizes that he can hear people fighting near him, and he doesn’t move for a second, before hearing Pidge voice, alarmed.

Instincts take over then, and maybe this isn’t _his_ Pidge, but there is no universe where he wouldn’t help her. So he runs to her and he sees her on the ground, arms raised above their head to stop an upcoming assault.  
They are in the castle of lions, he realizes, and probably some Galra soldier has infiltrated the ship (or maybe they are still on the planet, maybe he’s gone back in time too) and he stops the attack before it can reach the other Paladin.

He has to save Pidge and having a purpose gives him the strength to forget about his predicament for a while. He takes the enemy’s arm (metal, another experiment) and punches him away. Shiro doesn’t know who he’s fighting, the Galra mask blocking the view of the other’s face, and he doesn’t realize for a while.

The other’s style is more aggressive than his, more cocky. HIs enemy doesn’t lose time evaluating him, he changes his strategy on a basis of trial and error, something that only someone who is used to hard and quick fights without intel can do. He knows, because…

He stops, and the other finally lands a hit on him, with his mechanical fist. It hurts, but it’s nothing compared to Shiro’s realization.

He hopes he’s wrong, but he knows he isn’t. This is even worse than the first universe. Dead? Dead he can work with, he doesn’t care, Keith and the others had been fine, Black will find another paladin, but _this_?

Shiro evades the next attack and then strikes, right at the other’s mask, destroying it and making his enemy retreat. Shiro can see the other’s face, now, free of its cover and he grimaces.

His own face stares back at him, eerily similar to the vision Hagga gave him during Allura’s rescue. The other Shiro has yellow, angry eyes and he doesn’t seem to be bothered that he’s fighting another him, but he remembers his headspace before a fight and maybe evil him simply doesn’t even register what’s happening.

Just another fight, just another kill, one more and then maybe it will be over.

He hears Pidge saying something, thinks that probably the others are coming soon, and this makes him move.

This other him represent his worst nightmare, it’s worse than _death,_ this is the universe where the Galra had won against him. Killing him is nothing, at least Shiro had fought until the end, this is him being broken in more pieces that he could ever put back together, this is the universe where he gave up.

He doesn’t know why he’s living these nightmares, why he’s here, he doesn’t even know if this is real, but he knows what he has to do here.

He doesn’t hesitate, but it’s not easy, the other him is a skilled fighter, but he follows his instincts, the same Shiro has.

When his galra arm pierces through the other’s armor the other him gasps. It’s a little sound, he had learned to stay quiet even in his pain, but it’s enough. He’s going to kill _himself_ , Shiro realizes, and he won’t be sorry.

It’s pity, revenge and knowledge that, any version of him, would prefer death over this.

The other frees himself, and Shiro can see the blood gushing from his wound, but it doesn’t seem to stop his adversary, he keeps attacking him relentlessly.

Does this version of him feel anything? Is there any part of him spared by the druids? He’s not sure he wants an answer, he doesn’t want to make this harder than it needs to be. He takes a punch to the face and one to the side, hard enough to make him fumble. But then he hears a “There!” and he recognizes Hunk’s voice.

If he doesn’t stop this version of himself he’s going to hurt his family, and Shiro just can’t take that.

He punches the other with his human hand and then uses his Galra one to choke him. It doesn’t take long, it’s as if this Shiro doesn’t have any will to live (maybe this is the only thing they have in common).

“Dude” he hears behind him, and when he turns they are all there. They don’t look as different as he would have thought. They look fine.

“Did you just kill yourself?” Pidge asks, not even wondering why there are two of him. Has she found Matt in this universe? He hopes so.

He doesn’t answer, after all he’s probably disappearing soon.

“Shiro?” Keith asks, looking startled, and maybe a little hopeful. Maybe they think that the Shiro he has killed was some kind of clone, that he’s their Shiro.

How can he explain?

“He would have never forgiven himself… I wouldn’t have” he says, because it’s the only thing he’s sure of. He will leave them soon, this is not his place, but he wants them to understand that he’s weak, but they are the ones that give him strength.

“Who are you?” Keith asks, advancing, but Lance stops him. They don’t trust him, and that’s good, after all this universe only shows that he could have cracked.

He wants to say something else, anything else, but he feels himself fading away again. It’s too late anyway.

He closes his eyes.

 

4.

 

When he comes to he doesn’t know where he is, some kind of planet? They had never been here before, he knows, but he’s not alone.

In front of him there’s Pidge, seated with her back to him. She’s mumbling something and she seems to be battling with some kind of device, Shiro doesn’t know enough to understand what it is, but he guesses some kind of transmitter.

Was this when they were separated? No, he remembers them talking about some kind of garbage planet, this one is beautiful.

Green is seated in front of Pidge and Shiro can feel the lion’s eyes on him, curious. Should he make himself known? There doesn’t seem to be a reason to, after all he’s trapped in these strange visions, these strange worlds. He fades in and out of existence without any kind of reason or explanation.

In the first he was dead, in the second he and Keith had never met and in the third… he doesn’t want to think about that. He could just wait this out, this would pass just like everything else.

“They  hate me” he hears then “but I couldn’t… I have to find Matt. Why can’t Keith just… understand?”

_Oh_. Is this when Pidge wanted to go after Matt? When she had decided to leave Voltron? She had changed her mind in the end and it had been a blessing, they would be dead ten times over if she hadn’t been with them.

Another thing gone wrong, then.

“He could be dead…” Pidge whispers and she sounds close to crying. Shiro can’t stay silent anymore.

“Matt will be fine” he says, walking towards her.

The green paladin startles and turns toward him, her eyes are red and just a little puffy. Maybe Shiro is here to make things right, or at least to make her feel better. “Shiro? What are you doing here? I’m not coming back!” she says, defensive.

He shakes his head, trying to calm her. They don’t know each other very well, yet, this is in the beginning of this strange _thing_ , when they had been nothing more than strangers thrown together over and over in hopes of making them _stick_.

They are his family, now, but back then it had only just been Keith.

“I just want to talk” he says, anyway, “can I sit?”

Pidge seems still wary but she nods in the end, and Shiro just sits beside her. “It’s going to be okay” he whispers, because it’s what she needs to hear “Matt is strong, you know?”

She stays silent for a moment before saying, low “But he’s _alone_ ” and he can hear the pain in her voice “he’s lost and scared. How can I just leave him?”

Shiro looks at her, and thinks that she’s too young for this, maybe they all are. The universe sits heavy on their shoulder, but it’s not a burden they can just give back.

“I know” he says “the others know too, they are just scared, like you” he is, at least. He had been terrified then, in the midst of flashback and the knowledge that he had lost an entire year.

She doesn’t answer but he feels her leaning against him and he just hugs her, tries to comfort her as best as he can.

“I think I might know where he is?” she says, trying for confidence “but I’m… I’m scared”

He doesn’t ask what she’s scared of, there are too many answer to the question, and maybe she doesn’t really know.

“I’ll go with you” Shiro says, impulsively “I don’t know for how long I can… I’ll stay for as long as I can”

Pidge stiffens against him and she realizes, now, that something isn’t right. She pushes herself away and looks around, surprised.

“Where’s Black?” she asks, “or a ship or…” she looks at him, distrust clear in her eyes “how are you _here_?”

There is no good explanation he can give, and this would be a good time to fade away, but he wants to help her, wants to find Matt for her, since he couldn’t in his universe. Plus… it’s Pidge, if someone can understand this it should probably be her.

“I don’t know” he says then, truthfully, “but I can tell you I’m not _your_ Shiro. I’m… lost? Stuck? I don’t know, but this is the fourth different reality I’ve been to”

Pidge doesn’t seem to believe him, and he realizes that it’s a little far fetched.

“In my universe,” he continues “you don’t go. You stay. So this… this mission you’re doing, I don’t know how it goes. I don’t know for how long I can be here, but I want to help you while I can” they don’t have much time, so he takes one of her hands and looks her in the eyes “please, let me help you”.

And she does. He doesn’t know if she believes him yet, but she nods and lets him ride Green with her. It’s enough.

 

They are almost to the outpost where Pidge had found her brother’s signal when she asks “So you’re like… hopping between universes?”

Shiro is taken aback by the question, but recovers quickly “I… maybe? I don’t know I just remember us fighting Zarkon, winning and then… I open my eyes and Keith tells me I died while being prisoner of the Galras”

“And you’ve been to four worlds?” she continues, “it’s just… if what you’re saying it’s true it is fascinating. I mean a portal it’s a thing, but multiple universes?”

She sounds excited now, and Shiro laughs at her enthusiasm, even if he can’t muster up the same.  

“What?” she asks him, almost offended “you don’t think it’s fascinating?”

“Being the one going from universe to universe I can tell you it sucks, mostly” he tell her, smiling. She deflates at his word, and he feels sorry immediately.

It’s not her fault he’s stuck like this, and he doesn’t want to add to her burden. She already feels guilty about too many things, he should know.

“I’m sorry” he says then “it’s just… I don’t know why I’m here…” he explains, hoping it’s enough.

“What happened before? You said you were fighting Zarkon? Did he hit you?” she asks him and he stops.

“Yes,” he answers trying to remember “he… he took the head and zapped something? I don’t…” he doesn’t recall everything, those last moment are more a blur than anything else “maybe quintessence?”

“Quint-what?” Pidge asks him, but before Shiro can answer her Green starts descending. They have arrived. The worst thing is that Shiro feels himself fading, he doesn’t want to, but he can’t stop.

“You’re so strong,” he says then, hoping Pidge can hear him “you will be alright”

And then he’s gone.

 

5+.

 

After that there are many more worlds that follow. He doesn’t try to interact with anyone, he just watches, because there is nothing he can do to stop any of this. He doesn’t think his action even do any good, these universes are different from his, he doesn’t know what the right thing to do is. After all he wasn’t really happy in his universe to begin with.

He sees himself refusing his acceptance letter from the Garrison because his father falls ill. (He doesn’t know what happens next, he never meets any of the others, he never knows about Voltron, but the earth doesn’t get destroyed, so he thinks that maybe the other are fighting anyway. He’s not that important in the end.)

He sees the Galra win, even before they can find the blue lion. (There’s fire and destruction everywhere, in the beginning, but then there’s mostly hunger, desperation and slavery)

He sees Matt, telling him he can’t go to Kerberos because he doesn’t want to leave his mom and little Katie alone for so long. (They get captured anyway, Shiro and Doctor Holt, but Matt’s father is happier, less worried. Pidge doesn’t get thrown out of the Garrison, she doesn’t have to disguise herself, she has Matt to encourage and comfort her. She thrives)

Shiro watches all the different paths his life could have taken just by changing one variable. Every universe is different and the same, and it’s disconcerting when he realizes that, in the end, his entire existence is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. The universe keeps on going even when he isn’t there, Voltron keeps fighting.

He sees Keith getting along with his peers at the Garrison, him and Lance becoming fast friends, while Shiro watches from the outside. (Keith doesn’t get expelled when Shiro disappears, and when they meet again the four kids are bonded together, while he’s on the outside. His PTSD is stronger in this universe, without an anchor. Keith seems lighter, however. “My life would have been a lot different without you”, Keith had once told him, but seeing him now it doesn’t really seem like a good thing anymore).

He sees Keith getting beaten up by four guys behind the diner in the city near the Garrison but this Shiro doesn't see it - he’s running late after all, and he’s running as far as possible. (Shiro tries to go and help, but he fells himself fade before he can and he’s grateful for it, because he knows that Keith wouldn't survive this, not well and he doesn't want to see it).

He sees himself and Matt getting ready to fight their first fight in the arena. He doesn’t injure Matt, he lets him fight. (Matt dies. Shiro never forgives himself).

After that he looses count. He doesn’t have the strength to keep going, so he just lets himself go. He doesn’t even register what goes on around him.

He’s in a universe one moment and the next he has changed location, but he doesn’t follow anything that happens.

Why should he? So that he can see again that anything he has ever done seems to be useless?

Maybe what Zarkon did to him, that zap he aimed at Voltron’s head, didn’t kill him, but he starts to think that this is even worse than death.

He wonders what happened to the others, if they’re alright, but with every universe he goes to his own seems to get smaller and smaller, an unreachable goal.

He’s stuck and he doesn’t have the means or the strength to find his way out of this mess.

At least, Shiro thinks, if this experience has taught him something is that the others will be fine without him, and that’s a relief.

 

50.

 

Shiro knows immediately where he is and _when_. He has seen these stars so many times, but this night is different, he knows that. He turns a little and he sees them, seated on the edge of the roof, watching the sky.

They seem calm, content, but he knows that at least one of them is nervous and terrified. His hands had been clammy that night, his heart beating faster than ever before.

This is the night before the start of the Kerberos mission, and it seems an eternity ago, now, thinking back on it. How excited had he been, then?

An adventure like the ones he had always dreamed about, on the far end of the galaxy, deep into space. _Maybe we’ll even get to meet an alien_ Matt had joked, three months into their journey, when they were getting stir crazy inside the shuttle.

He still laughs sometimes, thinking about how well had _that_ gone, it’s a bitter laugh, but there nothing he can do about that.

Shiro, the other him, isn’t alone, however, just like _he_ hadn’t been. Keith seems younger, but he feels like he hasn’t really looked at Keith in _so_ long.

He remembers going to Keith’s room, convincing him to sneak out for a while, because he hadn’t wanted to be alone that night. Shiro had so many plans, so many dreams, so many desires.

He still has them, but he has learned to push them down, to ignore them. This Shiro hasn’t learned this yet and he can see them all on his face, transparent, young and carefree.

It pains him to see his face like this, because it serves as a reminder of what he isn't anymore and nothing more.

“Are you excited?” Keith asks, and the other him shrugs.

“Yeah? I think I’m just scared right now” he answers, laughing “I mean, how boring is it gonna be up there with just Matt and Doctor Holt?”

They laugh, and Keith punches him lightly “You better call, sometimes… I mean… when it gets too boring”

“Are you going to prepare some stories for me?” the other Shiro asks, but he can hear the joy in his voice, the badly masked trepidation. How could anyone not realize what Shiro always wore so freely on his face?

How could Keith not realize?

“Shut up, jerk, or I will spoil you all your shows” Keith teases, and they laugh again.

After tonight he’s not going to see Keith for a year, a year of pain and suffering, and this memory will be a comfort. A comfort filled with regret.

Is this Shiro going to be stronger than him? Braver than him?

“I will be with you next time” Keith declares, and other Shiro believes him. Keith always does anything he puts his mind to, he’s a force of nature that doesn’t let anything stop him.

If Keith wants to go with him on his next mission he will, and there’s that.

He remembers this moment now with a clarity that takes him by surprise. He remember yearning for Keith on a mission with him, he remembers turning towards Keith that isn’t looking at him but at the stars, dreaming about them. He had wanted to kiss Keith like he never had before and never will again, it had been a punch to the stomach, a gentle caress and a terrifying push all at once. He remembers calling Keith’s name, just a whisper, and twitching a little.

He also remembers backing down in the end, defusing the situation with a smile and a joke, before telling Keith that it was late and he had to go back to bed, important day tomorrow.

This Shiro, however, pushes, closes the distance between him and Keith and just kisses the other boy.

It’s a quick kiss, more a peck on the lips, but it’s enormous for him, that had never found the courage to admit it even to himself.

“I-I’m sorry” the other Shiro says, backing away “I just… We won’t see each other for a while and I wanted to do this _for so long_. You don’t have to…”

Keith is the one to initiate the second kiss, rougher and violent, like everything Keith does when he’s nervous, when it’s important. He doesn’t know how to treat important things, how to care for people, so he attacks, pushes, hoping someone pushes back.

This Shiro kisses back, takes one harm and uses it to push Keith against his side. Shiro doesn’t know how this other him feels, he doesn’t have any frame of reference, he doesn’t know how it feels to have Keith in his arms, he doesn’t know how he kisses, how he tastes.

When they part the other him laughs, breathless “If you were coming we certainly wouldn’t be bored” he jokes, but he knows himself and he can see that other him is scared, even in his joy.

Keith glares at him, and then bites the other’s lips “Just come back, Shiro” he says on his lips.

Shiro wants to scream while other him promises he will. It’s a promise he can’t make but he doesn’t want to ruin this.

In all these awful, awful universes he wants to preserve this one thing.

 

(The worst thing is that it doesn’t change anything: Shiro leaves the next day, he gets captured by the Galra, survives one year as the _Champion_ and becomes less than human. Keith is alone on earth and can’t handle being left again, he gets thrown out of the Garrison, but feels the call of the blue lion. They reunite the same way Shiro experienced it, but that morning in the desert, when Keith comes to him and tells him “welcome back”, this universe's’ Shiro looks at him and kisses him.)

 

51.

 

This whole jumping between universes would be easier on Shiro if it followed some kind of order, or made sense in any way, so of course it doesn’t.

Lately nothing comes easy to Shiro.

When he opens his eyes again he doesn’t know where he is (when he is?), because it’s another planet he’s sure he has never seen before. He could go take a look around, but he doesn’t see the point.

The last universe got to him, in a way. It hadn’t been as bad as some he had gone to before, but it had still been… something. Seeing him and Keith like that, knowing that in a reality someone who was a lot like him had Keith’s love…

Shiro doesn’t know what’s the point anymore.

“Shiro?”

He looks back and sees Hunk, almost crying with relief. For a second he thinks that maybe he’s back in _his_ universe, that this Hunk is crying because they have been looking for him, it’s a small hope, but what else has he got now?

“Thank God you’re alright!” Hunk continues “where’s Black? And what was it with that freaking wormhole? And are you okay? That fight was… wow dude!”

Oh. So it’s after the fight to rescue Allura and… it seems that in this universe Hunk and Lance didn’t end up together. He’s glad he’s here with Hunk, now, at least he can be of some comfort, he hopes Pidge finds Lance first in this universe, and that Keith didn't end up alone too.

“Slow down” he says, trying to smile. He doesn’t want to freak out Hunk even more than he already is, but he can’t keep up the charade long. He doesn’t know how long he’ll stay here and disappearing on him would freak out his friend _more_.

So he sighs “I’m… Black isn’t with me, because I’m not… _your_ Shiro?” he tries, hoping that Hunk will accept this. He’s very convincing when he wants to be.

Hunk doesn’t just accept it.

“What? What does that mean? Oh God was it some kind of alternative universe portal? Am I in another dimension?” he asks and Shiro stops him.

“Hunk! Hunk! Listen to me, you’re gonna be fine!” he says, forcefully “just… don’t panic! This is your universe! I’m the one that’s… displaced”

“Oh” Hunk finally says calming down and then looking at Shiro with concern “but that’s bad for you, right? I mean I just have to wait for the others to fine me, but you…”

Shiro doesn’t want to know what kind of face he’s making for Hunk to look at him like that.

“Shit what am I saying. I mean they’re probably looking for you too! If it was _our_ Shiro we wouldn’t stop!” he picks up, coming near him “We wouldn’t know what to do without you! I mean, Pidge is super smart, she’s gonna figure this out!”

“She’s the one that finds everyone else in my universe” he tells Hunk, because it’s possible it doesn’t work like this in _this_ universe, and anyway he doesn’t think he can change it if it does.

Hunk doesn’t sound surprised, he just nods “Well yeah, she’s the genius. You are the leader and Keith is the fighter. Lance is the brave one, he really is even if he won’t admit. I’m not worried, they are going to find me”

It occurs to him, now, that Hunk seems content to just stay in the background and not be acknowledged at all, even now. It doesn’t seem something he lives with discomfort but it doesn’t sit well with him anyway.

He would like to say this to _his_ Hunk, but maybe he won’t ever have the chance, maybe _this Shiro_ won’t have the chance and someone needs to say it.

“You know, you’re a genius too” he says, looking at his friend and willing him to understand “without you we would have never found the blue lion.

Hunk looks at him surprised for a second before laughing “Yeah but, like, Pidge would have figure it out soon”

“You did it first” he simply replies, because it’s the truth “you could probably find a way to contact the other before Pidge too… or at least give it an earnest shot”

Hunk looks taken aback, but slightly pleased. He doesn’t interact much with Hunk, and Lance, mostly because he spends a lot of his time brooding, helping Pidge because he feels guilting and pining after Keith. He tries, but he’s human, some things slip through the cracks.

“You… thank you, I guess? I mean, I think you’re delusional, but…” Hunk says, talking slowly, but the burning red on his cheek betrays him.

So Shiro smiles “What if I gave you a contest? I won’t be here for much longer, but when I’m gone you start working and see if you manage to do it without Pidge” he says, smirking, because _races_ , in his experience, are what make a lot of teenagers act.

The yellow paladin looks at him for a moment, incredulous. “I… wait what do you mean you won’t be here long?”

Shiro shrugs, because there’s nothing else to do “I don’t know I just keep… going from universe to universe and I usually only stick around for a while”

Hunk looks pensive now, alert “How long…? No, right you probably can’t keep track of time, but do you know what caused it?”

“I… I don’t know, we were fighting Zarkon, but he was like one of the monster we usually fight. I think it might be the Quintessence, but…” Shiro tries, but it gets a little more hazy talking about it. It feels like it was ages ago, almost centuries.

“Quintessence? Like the stuff Keith found? The one they are experimenting on?” he doesn’t seem to need an answer and he looks contrite “that’s bad staff. Like really bad…”

He nods, but Hunk doesn’t seem to need a confirmation. They stay silent for a little while before Hunk says, more secure “I will take your contest, but I will change the rules a little” he says, and he’s smiling now, “I will figure this, you, out before Pidge does. I can’t say in the other universes, but in this…? I’m giving my 100%.”  
Shiro looks at the other, looks at his young face and open eyes, and he feels tired to the bones, aged in ways that shouldn’t be possible. But Hunk has always been the more positive of them all.

“I feel saved already” he answers with a light smile.

He doesn’t think they can make it, after all even if they manage to stabilize him in one place there is no way of sending him back home, but he wants Hunk to believe in himself.

“You’re going to do great things Hunk” he says, because he feels himself slip away and even if he tries and tries there’s nothing to anchor him.

He slips. And he falls.

 

52.

 

He opens his eyes and he’s in Slav’s cell, he recognizes it, and he hopes immediately to be _anywhere else_. He can’t handle Slav too, on top of everything _._

“Who are you?” says someone behind him and THERE, Slav is looking at him, interested. God, Shiro is already out of patience.

Why here? God, why _here_?

“It doesn’t matter, if I ever did something right in my life I will disappear right now” he says, through gritted teeth. He doesn’t disappear.

Fuck.

“There are at least 3 alternative universes where this actually worked” Slav wants him to know and Shiro just _can’t_.

“Well lucky me I just land in the one that sucks” he mutters, angry, and he just can’t stay and listen to someone talking about all this alternative universes while he’s _stuck there_.

“Someone is touchy. Why?” Slav asks and Shiro looks at him, ready to fling himself at the fucking thing, but then he tries to calm himself. He understand that Slav is wary, after all Shiro just appeared out of thin air, and the other one has been imprisoned for a while and he should be… patient.

Then he thinks for a second, if there’s someone here that _knows_ about all that Shiro has seen it’s _Slav_ , and maybe he can’t stand the guy (alien? Little furry thing?) but he’s a genius and he knows what he’s doing.

“I… Okay, listen to me, someone is going to come and save you. Could be me, could be a guy in a blue suit… or another primary color” never knew with these different universes “but he won’t be _me_. I’m…”

“From another universe” Slav finishes for him and Shiro nods eagerly “do we survive this escape plan in _your_ universe?” the other continues then and Shiro nods again (maybe he can actually make this mission more bearable for this him, he deserves a thanks) but Slav just looks horrified.

“So there even less probability that this is the universe where we make it out alive. Nope, I’m not going anywhere” right, because his life is never that easy.

“You _have_ to!” he almost yells, “you have to help them save the universe and defeat Zarkon”

“Fight Zarkon? So even _if_ we make it out of here our chance of actually living past the week decrease to 0.004%!”

“You will get out of here and help them or so help me…” he starts, but Slav just retreats further into the room.

“No! You can’t make me!”

“Yes, I can!”

Then he stops, he doesn’t know how much time he has and whoever enters that door to save Slav will have to find a way to make the annoying little shit help with Zarkon, he has other worries.

“Then just… help _me_ ” he almost begs, “I’m… drifting between universes, I don’t know _why_ , it happened after the fight with Zarkon, I think, he does something and… It has been so long” the last part he almost whispers. He’s tired and Slav is probably the only chance he has.

Thankfully Slav looks… intrigued by what he has just said and comes up, looks at him with a glint in his eyes. “You’re travelling through dimensions” he repeats and, even if it’s not a question, Shiro nods.

“How interesting. I mean the existence of alternative universe has been proved, but there has never been someone that had the capability…” Slav starts, but they hear the door open.

When Shiro looks back Keith is looking at him, surprised “Shiro?” he says.

“Oh! Primary color!” Slav pipes in, from behind.

It’s strange, because this is the first Keith he has seen after the kiss-universe, this is how he’s calling it, and it feels strange, but it mostly feels lonely.

“What are you doing here?” Keith asks, and he know he can’t communicate with Pidge, or whoever is in the mission with him (does this mean Shiro is with Hunk? Or had this Shiro succumbed to the need to have Keith with him and bought him along?).

“He’s from another universe” Slav responds, before anyone can say anything. God, this is a disaster.

But he can’t say anything more, the entire room becomes hazy, mellowed out, and Shiro can’t even say anything before it all fades to black.

 

53.

 

He recognizes the Garrison immediately, when he opens his eyes. He’s in one of the least frequented areas, near the recycling room.

He remembers sometime sneaking in here to escape some of his superiors, but it’s a foggy memory, warm and hazy, a good one but long past gone. What he doesn’t know is why he should be here.

Shiro looks around, worried, until he hears some muttering from the other end of the room something that sounds a lot like “ _why don’t you take the keys of the school too, you’re just so incredible Keith”_.

He should stay back, probably, but he recognizes the voice and he’s curious.

Lance is hidden from view, hunched a little in the corner, as if he’s trying to make himself small on purpose.

He knows that it’s unlikely that Lance is the happy cocky kid he knows all the time, but it still sits wrong with him, seeing his teammate like this. The problem is… he doesn’t know at what point in time they are, is Shiro - the one of this universe - gone for Kerberos?

How much he’s going to freak out the cadet if he just goes to say hi?

“And that Keith! He could be a little less smug about it” Lance continues, his voice taking a sad note “I mean, they weren’t ever going to chose me, I know, but…”

In the end it’s probably better if he doesn’t interfere, he doesn’t know what Lance is going on about, but… it seems kind of serious and… he takes a step back and hits _something_. He goes flat on his ass.

Good one, Shirogane.

Lance jumps up, taking a fighting stance that’s frankly a little bit tragic (has he ever had some actually fighting practice with him? He should, that’s sad) “Who’s there? I…” but then he stops when he looks at Shiro.

Lance looks like he was just punched in the face and doesn’t really know what to do with it “Shir... I mean… Officer Shirogane?”

Well, there’s that to the whole being silents business. He gets up and sighs, mortified “I… yeah, sorry Lance, I didn’t want to interrupt”

The other looks even more scandalized now “You know my _name_?” like that’s incredible. Shifo flinches a little because… no, he doesn’t. At least, he didn’t before Voltron, he didn’t really notice him, too caught up in his studies, his missions and Keith.

If Lance goes and says hi to _his_ Shiro after he’s gone… shit.

He tries to think about some excuse that sounds plausible - this Lance hasn’t yet found Blue and Voltron, he won’t believe to this alternative universe nonsense so easily - the cadet continues.

“I mean, it’s already incredible that you know my _name_ , but it’s.... Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the launch… tomorrow? And what’s with the hair?” Lance asks him and… this makes it easier.

If Shiro is leaving in the morning the possibilities of screwing up get a lot slimmer. He looks at Lance, thinks about his hunched back and his sad muttering and makes a tactical decision.

“Well, yeah, of course I know who you are” he says, smiling, and hoping that he can confuse the other enough that he won’t ask about the hair anymore. He probably can’t see the scar since they are mostly in the dark “I try to know every promising cadet. I’m… busy and I can’t always interact with them like I want but…”

“Promising?” Lance repeats, like he just can’t believe his ears.

“Yeah,” he continues, trying to be as encouraging as possible “I think you have a lot of potential, you should stop comparing yourself to others because you have your own good points that make you unique. Trying to be like everyone else isn’t for you”

Lance looks at him for a second, entirely speechless, and Shiro hopes those aren’t _tears_ because he has never been good at handling any of that. He tries, he does, but he’s still uncomfortable, and he results a lot more in touch with _anyone’s_ emotion when paired up with Keith, but he’s not _that_ great.

“I…” Lance starts, but he has to stop for a second before continuing “that means… that means a lot. I mean I knew I wouldn’t be able to go to Kerberos with you, that if only one cadet was to be chosen it would have been Keith but… I’m not just a cargo pilot”

Shiro takes a second to absorb the news that apparently _Keith_ is going with this Shiro to Kerberos (he remembers a motion, immediately denied, in his universe too) to focus on what’s in front of him “You’re you, and that’s an incredible person”

“I… I mean” Lance stutters, a little taken aback “dude, how much _have_ you been watching? I mean before today I didn’t even think you knew my name and yet…” he stops, and blushes a little “my hero is complimenting me!”

Shiro remembers Lance telling Hunk sometimes how Shiro was his hero, but he thinks that maybe Lance has always idolized him too much, maybe put himself in his shadow.

He laughs, self-deprecating “Believe me, I’m no one special” he says, walking forward and putting a hand on Lance’s shoulder “You’re destined for greatness, Lance, and you don’t have to let anyone stop you from that”

“I think think that’s the best thing anyone beside my mother has ever told me” Lance blurtes out, probably without meaning to, since he looks kind of embarrassed “but, and I don’t want you to think that what you’re telling me doesn’t mean the _world_ , because it does, but I don’t think I will ever be more than… this” and he just do a shrug.

Shiro looks at him and wonders how much of this is behind the cockiness he’s used to, how much Lance hides from them.

“You are. Next mission I’ll take you with us and you will be invaluable” he says, smiling, because this is a promise he can keep.

“You… sound entirely too sure about that” Lance says, surprised and Shiro just shrugs, with a knowing smile.

“Let’s just say I have a strong sixth sense. I’m almost psychic” he jokes, but the Lance looks more confused than anything else.

“Who knew the golden boy of the garrison was…” he starts, but interrupt himself.

Shiro smiles, and his memory goes back to Keith, looking at him with a frustrated glance after one of his puns and saying with all the disdain he could muster _you’re such a dork_.

“Kind of a dork?” he supplies then, trying to not look and sound too fond when he says it. He fails, if Lance’s face is any indication.

He doesn’t know how much time he has left, and he doesn’t want to disappear in front of Lance, so he says goodbye to him and just walks away.

Shiro doesn’t realize where he’s going until he’s in front of Keith’s door. He hesitates for a second before knocking. Keith tells him to enter and Shiro complies, knowing well that he shouldn’t be doing what he’s going to do.

He doesn’t care.

“Shiro? What happened to you?” Keith says, alarmed, when he sees him. His hair and his scar, right. It doesn’t matter.

“You have to be safe,” Shiro begs “Kerberos isn’t safe. I know you’ll find it hard to believe me, but there are aliens, Keith, and they are strong. They are… you have to be careful” and this time, when the pull comes, he doesn’t fight it. He did everything he needed to do.

 

54.

 

When he sees her it feels kind of poetic in a way, he has been having chats with all his teammates, in a way, and she has been absent.

It also stands to reason that she’s the one that breaks his heart.

The other paladins are young and had seen things, terrible things, but their naivete stuck to them. It’s not like their problems aren’t big, but Shiro has seen hell.

Allura has seen worst.

They had been waiting outside while she erased her father memories, while she saved them by sacrificing the last thing that tethered her to the memory of her father. It had been a terrible choice so now he’s here to see how it would have been like if Allura hadn’t done it, he thinks.

It’s a strange concept because he can’t even think about an Allura that doesn’t find the strength to fight no matter the adversities, she has been his role model in many situations. She might be too focused on the objective, maybe forceful in her ways, but with a strength and a focus that Shiro lacked.

He sees her now, crumbling in front of the power source that controls her father and she is small, broken, but not weak.

Shiro hesitates, wondering if maybe he should leave her to the weight of her decision, if maybe he should interfere like he did with Keith. He doesn’t know, but at the least he doesn’t want her to be alone now. Even if she decided to sacrifice the entire universe for this.

“Allura” he says then and she looks back at him, tears streaking her face. Shiro realizes he doesn’t really know how young Allura is, if in Altean’s years she is just a teenager like the other paladins, like he was not even that long ago.

She’s probably more like him, indifferent to his real age in numbers, and old on the inside, scarred and forced to grow up quickly to survive.

She cries more now that she sees him, shame and guilt in her expression - he recognizes them because he feels them almost daily.

“I can’t do it” she says, almost chocking on her tears now “I can’t lose him again”.

She seems to be begging for his understanding, for his forgiveness.

He thinks of the others outside of the door, of an universe already doomed. She is the only one that can do this, not even Coran can, not even him. And he’s just a passenger in this world, does he really have any right?

“I forgive you” he tells her, because he doesn’t know the answer to that question, but at the same time he can’t let her do this, he can’t let her destroy everything they have fought for and he will have to say harsh words, but he thinks she will thank him in the end  “but can you forgive yourself?”

She looks at him, vulnerable and betrayed, and he doesn’t know why she thought that he could only be kind. He knows the buttons to push, he knows where to hurt, where to hit.

He’s a fighter still, more than anything else.

Shiro has always found funny how they always worry about Keith and his temper, his outburst of anger, when he is the killer among them.

“Shiro” Allura begs. She wants him to stop, to let her do this, but he won’t, because the people outside deserve to try just like they did.

“You can do this, I can’t stop you” he says, advancing “but who will you let down more? Your father that sacrificed himself so that you could live? Coran that has been by your side all this time? A bunch of kids you bought into this?”

She shakes her head frantically, but he’s not done yet “Or yourself? Because you demostrated you didn’t have the guts to lead your people”

She slaps him, hard, enough to make him go down. He doesn’t care, it means he did it.

So at this point only he smiles at her, a private little smiles, that he hopes conveys how sorry he is, how proud of her.

“Because I’m sure you can do this, you can do anything” he continues “because you deserve the trust we all have in you”

She looks at him for a second before looking back and stopping the AI, stopping the ship.

“You’re a good leader, Shiro” Allura says, without looking at him “the lion picked the right person”

He wonders, sometimes. The door opens behind them and he can feel everyone surprise when they see him there.

He looks at this universe’s him and smiles, because in the end Black picked him, but he’s the one that never surrendered.

Shiro chose the consequences the moment he chose to stay with Black and right now he’s only glad he did, because it means that he could stop this and it feels like it’s worth it.

He disappears, for once, with a smile.

 

55.

 

He opens his eyes and he backs away, fear and shock making his knees wobble a little. The room isn’t actually big enough for him to go as far away as he wants to, but sometimes it feels like the entire galaxy isn’t big enough for that.

He _knows_ where he is, sometimes it feels like he has never left.

The room is little and dark, almost no light passing through the bars of the cell. There is only one cot, hard and uncomfortable, and a bucket. It’s not like Shiro passed a lot of time here, just to sleep and heal as fast as he could before being pulled away again.

It was a life of routine in a way, where death was just another part of the day, another part of his life. Even if he doesn’t remember everything about his time as the Champion he remembers enough, things he will never have the courage to say out loud, things he doesn’t want to relive or remember.

It’s only fair really that Shiro realizes immediately that he’s going to relieve one of his lowest points.

He doesn’t remember how he snuck that blade in and it’s not really much of a blade, more of a little shard of one of the weapons that broke in the last fight. He remembers looking at it, so little and so fragile, he remembers thinking that it wouldn’t help him overcome the Galras, they were stronger than him, they were more battle ready, their reflex sharper.  Before they took him to his match they zapped him so that he wouldn’t react too badly.

They were careful and that little blade could never help him escape, not really, not in the normal sense.

From what Shiro can understand all the visits he has had in all the universes had something different from his own, some place where something went in a different direction: a different decision, a different circumstance. He doesn’t really get how it works, but he thinks he might have understood the pattern.

So he looks at the room and then, in the corner, at this version of him that holds the little blade in his hands, looking at it like he can’t breath, like he doesn’t know what to do.

Shiro knows, in that moment, that this Shiro is going to do it. He’s going to use that little blade to put an end to this, to close this torture like he couldn’t do in his universe. He thinks that this Shiro is much stronger than he is.

It’s the different choice, the one thing that will change this entire universe and maybe he should just let him do it, because he can’t remember why he, himself, chose not to do it then.

But he knows why he wouldn’t do it now and… isn’t that enough?

“Are you an hallucination?” Alternative Shiro asks, without even looking at him, and he doesn’t know how to reply.

Should he explain? It feels to heavy, too much for this broken man to shoulder right now. At the same time Shiro has always been more focused, better, with a purpose, with something to do.

It’s not like he can fuck this up even more than what’s already happening, really.

“I’m you from the future” he says, then, because it is actually easier to explain.

Alternative Shiro looks at him then, and after that at the shard in his hands “That is actually surprising”.

It would be in bad form to laugh, right? But well, he thinks that if you can’t laugh at your own fucking dark jokes who will.

“Yeah, well. You can still do it, it’s not like the future is set” he says while he sits in front of the other. He looks weary, tired, thinner that he ever remembers being. More worn out.

There are fresh bruises on his shoulder and a cut on his cheek. The scar on his nose is already there, his hairs are not yet all white.

He still has his arm.

Shiro has never seen himself in this half-way stage, he has memories of his image before the Galras and then when he had seen himself in the Castle, it’s strange now having this person in front of him, a version of himself he has never seen.

“So you’re here to tell me that after this all will be easy?” Alternative Shiro asks, bitter and tired.

“God no” he says, with a little laugh “everything will always be hard. The memories, the guilt, the feeling of being used as entertainment…”

“How is this supposed to make me feel better?” Other Shiro asks and he just smiles, without really much mirt.

“I’m not here to make you feel better. I’m here to tell you I didn’t do it and I don’t regret it” he says, because it’s the only real reassurance he can give “it will be hard, lately it’s impossible, but I don’t regret it.”

Alternate Shiro looks at him and then at the shard again, like he doesn’t know what to believe. Like even if he does believe him he just can’t take the chance.  He doesn’t blame him, it just makes him sad.

“You really don’t?” he asks in the end, his voice barely a whisper. It’s a fair question, because truthfully it’s not like Shiro hasn’t thought that maybe death would be better than this, than floating around universes without end in sight, but the possibility of going home, the thought of Black, Keith, the team… it makes it worth it.

“You’ll save the universe once you get out of this” he says smiling “and you will help a Princess and a group of incredible people and you will save _them_ , and they will save you”.

Hjs voice is wavering, he realizes, he’s almost crying. He misses them, and even if he has met so many of them, so many versions of them, so different and yet all the same, it still feels like he has been alone all this time.

He misses the camaraderie, the jokes, the fights, the laughs. He misses being whole and alive and real.

“How are you here?” the other him asks, maybe understanding that something is wrong, that they shouldn’t be able to talk like this.

Shiro closes his eyes and inspires. “I’m a little lost” he says “but I trust that they’ll save me again”.

It’s not exactly true, but it’s not entirely wrong either, so he settles for this half truth and hopes that it’s enough.

“We really aren’t that lucky are we?” the other asks, with a bitter smile and he mirrors it.

“God no” he responds before vanishing.

 

56+.

 

The thing is, that not all the universes are bad, and it feels like a switch has been pressed because Shiro encounters much more of the good ones now.

There is one where they manage to not get captured by the Galras, they go back to earth and tell everyone of the danger, the threat lurking in the star. (When the time to form Voltron comes, and it comes, they are more prepared, they know who they are fighting and why and it feels much more natural).

There is one where they save Allura and manage to defeat Zarkon in the same mission, where Shiro’s connection to Black is stronger since the beginning (maybe the change lies in something Zarkon had done in the past to weaken his bond with Black, but he will never know).

There is one where Altea never fallen and when Voltron is called upon, when they become Paladins it’s because it seems like Voltron is always needed, but there is no war, no threat as big as the Galras (it’s good, they are all happier, they have time to train with their lions, bond as they should).

There is one - and this might be the more difficult to watch - where they defeat Zarkon and Shiro never disappears. He watches from the side as everyone cheers, as everyone plans their return to earth (he doesn’t get to stick long enough to know what it is but even when a new threat appears at least they had said hello to their family and everyone is happier for it).

There is the one where they find Matt in the first ship they visit, and it might be his favorite universe yet. Nothing else changes, but they have Matt with them, and Pidge is happier, needs him a little less, but it’s a trade he would make everyday.

There are many more, and as every universe flashes in front of him, offers him a look into what could have been, what he could have done differently, he thinks again that maybe he will never wake up, that maybe this will be his life from here on out.

So he sighs and loses himself to the motions.

 

0.

 

When he opens his eyes the first thing he notices is that he’s not standing, it’s unusual because as far as he recalls he has always woken up standing.

It’s a welcome change in the routine, maybe he could stay there and wait for _the pull_ again, after all he hasn’t been able to have a rest in… a while.

He doesn’t know how to quantify time anymore. It could have been years, or minutes. It’s the same thing, really.

So maybe this time he could just close his eyes again and stay there for a little while. He will leave soon anyway.

“Shiro?” someone says and he opens his eyes because he recognizes that voice. On his left Keith stares at him, like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. Shiro grimaces.

Where has he landed now? Maybe somewhere where he’s dead? Those are always fun. Or maybe it’s like the second one he visited and he’s evil here, twisted and broken (he really _really_ doesn’t want to relieve that). Maybe it’s one of the ones where they never save him, where he’s lost in space and they can’t find him (Keith never stops looking).

Whatever it is, he thinks he should be clear from the beginning so he smiles a little “Sorry, I don’t think I will be here long”. He’s not sure why he’s saying sorry, but this Keith looks worn out, tired.

“If you don’t I’m going to be pissed” someone else says (Pidge) and Shiro looks at her. She’s frowning at a tablet, while Hunk, a little bit behind her, is pushing _something_ on a console panel. This is kind of strange.

Then he notices that he’s not on the ground like he had thought in the beginning, he’s on a cryo pod, but horizontal.

For a second he stops, because this is… this is strange. It could be a different version of his stay in the cryopod, after they found him and Keith, but it doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like anything he has ever lived, and while that doesn’t mean much (a lot of the universe he has gone to had different settings) he can’t shake the this _feeling_ he has.

“He doesn’t look good,” Lance says, his face appearing in front of his “he kind of looks like he’s going to faint actually. Are you sure you did it right, Hunk?”

“Yeah I did! I told you, the other me was very precise” the other paladin replies.

“We could be sure if you had let me take a look…” Pidge grumbles.

And Hunk sighed “I told you! He left precise instructions and one was not to let you see because…” he starts but Shiro _knows_ now.

“Because he promised he would figure it out first” he whispers. It’s not like he hadn’t believed him, or thought that Hunk wasn’t capable of doing, it’s just that he didn’t think it was possible.

And Hunk had found a way to communicate it to _his_ universe.

He feels someone touch him and he doesn’t want to but he flinches, and he hears Keith intake of breath as the hand disappears. He feels guilty, but he’s overwhelmed enough right now. He wants to cry, he might start any second.

“He wasn’t the only one” Allura voice comes from the door “we had a Slav and a Pidge contact us as well. It seems that it was them who figure out which universe you were from and Hunk that created the machine”

He inspires for a moment, so grateful that they had done it, that maybe what he has done hadn’t gone to waste. “Had she found Matt?” he asks, and his Pidge looks at him surprised.

“What? Matt?” she asks, interested and he nods.

“She… when I met her she had found a clue where Matt could be” he says and he sits now, but his hands are shaking, he doesn’t think he’s breathing _right_ “I remember where it is, maybe he’s here in this universe too.”

Pidge looks so happy which makes him feel a lot better, but at the same time he could have given her false hope, he really doesn’t know.

“Okay, why don’t we slow down?” Keith says, his voice hard “we just got Shiro back!”

Shiro finally looks at him again and he looks, well honestly he looks a little constipated. He can’t help remembering that one universe, that feels so far away, the one where they had kissed on the roof of the Garrison, carefree and happy.

They are both such different people from those.

“Right, we’re sorry, Shiro” Coran says, with a smile “why don’t we postpone this for tomorrow? Maybe Pidge you could try and find a way to talk with the other you”

Shiro looks at them and a part of him wants to stay, wants to talk to the other Pidge, make sure that she’s alright, that she’s happy, but he doesn’t feel like he can stomach it.

He sees Keith come towards him and extend a hand, before stopping. He was going to put an hand on his shoulder, as a support, and now Shiro feels really sorry for how he reacted before.

“I… I would like to sleep” he says, because he feels weary to his bones and maybe stopping for a while will do him good.

Everyone nods and Shiro smiles, before looking straight at Keith “Would you mind walking with me?” he says, a little hesitantly but the other nods immediately.

Truthfully he doesn’t have really realized that he’s not going to disappear again, maybe it was just a temporary solution, so if he has to leave again he wants to spend some time with Keith.

 

They walk mostly in silence.

Shiro doesn’t know how to fill in the question Keith _must_ have and, at the same time, he still can’t really separate between all that he has seen and the reality.

It has been his reality for so long that it had started to blend together and he has so many things he wants to ask as well, but he’s not sure of the answers he wants.

If he asks how long has it been how much will it hurts to hear months or even a year? He has already lost a year because of this war, he doesn’t know if he’s ready to know how much more he has lost.

If he asks how Black is, will he be ready to know if Keith had taken his wish seriously, if he has been leading Voltron all this time? If maybe he has found someone to pilot Black in his place?

He doesn’t know.

Keith seems hesitant beside him, and it’s not an unusual occurrence, it takes him back to the first months of their friendship, when Keith didn’t know how much he could push.

They have long since surpassed this point and it feels wrong to be here again.

“Uhm” Keith starts then, “is there… like anything you want to know? I didn’t really get everything of the explanation, you can ask Pidge, but I got enough”

Shiro hesitates a second before deciding that he really doesn’t want to face his fears yet “What was it? I mean, what caused it? Zarkon’s attack?”

Keith nods “Yeah, for what I could understand it was Zarkon’s attack and Black trying to save you. She has… teleportation powers” he says, and he sounds like he doesn’t understand it all himself, but like he has tried time and time again. It makes him ache, thinking about Keith alone, trying to understand what had happened.

It makes him think about one of the first other Keiths he had seen, the one that had found his Shiro dead, and how he had reacted to him, with so much hope.

They fall silent again, it’s possible that Keith it’s giving him the time to ask something else, he stays stubbornly quiet.

It doesn’t take long before Keith understands that he’s not going to ask, but he doesn’t respect his decision like Shiro had hoped, instead he gets the _look_ , the one he gets when he thins that Shiro is being an idiot and it’s his god given duty to smack him - he has missed this too.

“You’ve been gone three months, we’ve been searching for you the whole time. Black hasn’t let anyone pilot her, and no one has even tried because you _had_ to be alright, there wasn’t ever any other choice” he tells him, with an annoyed frown, like Shiro should have known without doubt.

Three months, it feels like it has been longer, really. By the face Keith makes it had seemed longer to him too.

“It’s good to be back, Keith” he says then, because it feels like a running joke, now. He hopes he doesn’t have to say it again.

“It’s good to have you back” his friend answers, with a smile, and it feels good. Like in some way they could go back to some kind of normality that he has craved so much.

They stop in front of his door and Shiro, that had been overwhelmed before and had wanted nothing more than being alone, dreads it now. What if he disappears and there’s no one there to see it?

What if he just vanishes into thin air?

Keith seems reluctant to leave as well and Shiro has seen how one decision can change one’s life completely, how many missed opportunities, how many universes will never have a chance to do what he could do now, what he wants to do so badly.

He doesn’t feel like letting anything pass him by anymore.

“Can you stay?” he asks Keith, and then, he doesn’t even wait for his response, doesn’t think he can, before he continues “I’ve seen so many terrible universes, Keith, so many wrong decisions, so many horrible circumstances. But there was one where I kissed you the day before leaving for Kerberos, the way I wanted to do but I stopped myself, and it wasn’t a perfect universe, it didn’t fix anything, but it felt like the only thing that kept me afloat.”

“Shiro” Keith starts but he doesn’t want to stop, he doesn’t think he can.

“No, listen, I know we’re different from them, and different from how we were then, but I still want it. There were so many universes where we didn’t even meet again and it was so unfair. It was…” but before he can explain Keith pushes him against the wall and puts a hand against his mouth.

“Shut the fuck up, Shiro, my God” he says, and if he didn’t knew Keith as well as he does he wouldn’t notice, but Keith’s face is clear, he’s happy and surprised and even if he isn’t smiling it’s so obvious looking at his face. “You… you just came back from a terrible experience and I… I want nothing more than to kiss you, of course I do, but you… you haven’t taken a minute to heal yourself. From this, from the Galra” he stops, shakes his head “I’m not good at these kind of things, you _know_ I’m not, but… but I want to be. For this”

He removes his hand then, slowly, and he smiles finally, a little tentatively “So we can just… sleep tonight and figure it out later, right?”

Shiro looks at him, thinks about the _I want nothing more than to kiss you_ and he thinks that Keith is probably right, he should take some time to figure out how he is, how to rebuild himself (even now he feels like he’s on the verge of a panic attack) but… but… he doesn’t want to wait. He doesn’t want to let this pass him by.

There will be a war to fight tomorrow, another mission, they might never have a moment to heal. He’s not sure if he’s okay with that, but he’s starting to be.

“No” he says then and he takes Keith’s face and kisses him hard, not the peck he had seen his other self give, but full of desperation, full of all the suffering they both had to endure.

Keith resists for a second before responding and it becomes frantic now, a kiss that is more like a statement than anything else. It doesn’t feel like they say in the romance novels, it’s not pretty or a piece of the puzzle that fits.

It’s hard and rough, it’s Keith’s hand that grapples his arm, like he’s trying to anchor him, it’s Shiro’s Galra arm flashing purple because he wants to touch, to claim.

It’s all the words never said, all the opportunities never taken. Not what Shiro had imagined, but what he wants.

When they separate they are panting hard and Keith is looking at him like he has never really seen him before. Shiro almost laughs in his face because it’s not a pretty look but it’s a satisfying one.

“Oh shit” Keith says, and Shiro this time laughs for real. “Okay, maybe that was actually a good idea. I still think we should take it slow but… wow. Uhm.” he blushes then, trying to find the world and it feels so normal, such a tender moment that Shiro relaxes in the second and then feels the tears fall.

He’s back home. He made it. He survived.

Keith notices it and his panicked face it’s almost enough to make him laugh again, but instead he cries harder. It must not be a pretty sight, but he can’t stop.

He’s exhausted, he feels drained, and when Keith - after he has recovered - hugs him he sags on him. Shiro’s heavy, Keith had grumbled about that before, but now the other stays silent while he lets him cry, and after while he maneuvers him inside the room and on the bed (oh God, _a bed_ ).

“You’re home” Keith whispers, over and over, and Shiro just nods.

He’s home. They will have to talk, maybe Shiro will tell them sometime, maybe he will keep the memories in his heart and try to learn from them. But now he’s home.

He closes his eyes and falls asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, this has been a blast to write and I hope it has been half as satisfying reading it as it has been writing it.
> 
> The title comes from the song "The Draw" from Bastille, and I tell you this because I've already planned out a companion/sequel that will be called "In my left hand there's the familiar" that will focus on Keith's side of the story.


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